Meteor shower up ahead
by SneverusSnapers
Summary: The crew of the Enterprise crashland on an unknown planet, all the redshirts are dead and nothing can be drawn in comparison to their will to get back to Earth... but the planet's cheif's love for chilli and anchovy pizza might come close!
1. Crash landing

"Meteor shower up ahead, captain!" Spock said in his usual emotionless tone.

"Up ahead, eh? Well I'll have to hand the driving over to Sulu!" Kirk spoke commandingly.

"You mean we're not going back to Earth, captain?" questioned Chekov "These showers are wery dangerous, the first ship to get through one was commanded by a Wussian!"

"Turn back to Earth after all the days we've been travelling? No! Star base command wants us to meet the U.S.S. Cuckoo in 17 hours, we will be there!"

"Are you sure this is wise, captain?" questioned Spock.

"Of course I'm sure! Are you questioning my authority?" Kirk snapped to his full height in an undignified manner and drew one of his cheesy _I'm the boss here_ grins.

"No, captain. I am merely pointing out that the logical way to proceed would be-"

"We're going into that meteor shower! Any questions?" Uhura opened her mouth to say something but Kirk butted in "Good! Sulu, manual steering!"

Sulu pressed a deep blue button on his flashing control pad and had a look of astonishment on his face as a 20th century steering wheel came out. (Trust it to be 20th century). Kirk just ignored him and Sulu started jerking the wheel about this way and that. The Enterprise set off into the meteor shower. The ship swerved in and out of the meteors like Kirk when he does ballet (you should see him). But unlike Kirk when he does ballet the Enterprise made a mistake (Kirk's a grade 5 by the way) by misjudging the speed of a rock about half the size of the Enterprise which was coming their way. SMASH!

"Engines are seizing up, captain. We're going to crash!" spoke Scotty into Kirk's ear.

"I can steer her towards an unmapped area, there seems to be a large rock which is about the size of Earth!"

"34179 km, 28m, 4cm and 2mm less in diameter to be precise."

"Shut up Spock!" screamed Kirk in an agitated manner.

"It could be a planet- or a meteor; we will have to rely on luck!" Finished Sulu… boy he hated Spock for going off the script!

The thing about the crew of the Enterprise is they have an awful lot of luck (apart from the redshirts), so undoubtedly the 'rocky mass' was a planet which had all the right things: the right type of air to breathe, water (or some sort of non-poisonous liquid) to drink and food (edible) to eat. Just their luck. But I did say the redshirts weren't very lucky. No, they weren't very lucky at all, so it fits the bill that when the enterprise landed that most of the ship was impaled on a giant spike which just_ happened_ to be there. Note that I say _most_ of the ship, for the bridge is intact and the heroes haven't even got a scratch (it was the makeup person's day off).

"Scotty! McCoy! They were down in sickbay and Engineering!" Kirk shouted with despair. Now, Kirk shouted because the camera was so far away.

"Ye be talking about us wee lads?" Scotty asked, followed by McCoy, "McCoy and I _miraculously_ decided to come to the bridge, we entered just as it crashed!

"But Jim, I've found a problem" McCoy's face turned stonily pale. "I don't know how to put this…"

_**Heh heh heh! I can't be bothered to type more up! :p please review, and TRY to guess what McCoy is going to say!**_


	2. Enterprise Z Enterprise A

_**What did you think it was??? All shall be revealed!!!**_

"… but that was Enterprise Z! We've run out of letters in the alphabet!"

There was a pause. No-one seemed to care that all the redshirts were dead; after all, they _were_ just redshirts. Spock's voice broke the silence.

"I believe the logical way to proceed would be to proceed onto the Romulan alphabet."

"No, not Romulans! We hate them! What about Vulcans?" Kirk said

"The Vulcan alphabet has _exactly_ the same symbols in _exactly_ the same order, pronounced in _exactly_ the same way as your human alphabet." Spock pointed out with a tinge of annoyance in the tone of his voice, luckily no-one noticed.

"Perfect!" Kirk said gleefully "then all us non-Vulcans won't be confused!"

Spock raised an eyebrow. He had known Kirk too long to even think about arguing. Anyway, he reminded himself. Kirk _is_ a human.

The remaining crew of the Enterprise looked around. They were situated on some sort of barren rocky land. The ground had many cracks in it and there were chasms scattered around the place.

"Wow!" remarked Sulu, "this place sure is beautiful!"

"Hey!" Chekhov shouted, alarmed "this doesn't look even the tiniest bit like Wussia, I can't say it looks like Wussia if it doesn't."

"Keep with the script!" Uhura whispered into Chekhov's ear. Then she noticed the camera swivel round towards her, she flicked her head away from the camera and started whistling 'row row row your boat' (a song which even Spock doesn't know, and he's meant to be paranormally clever!)

"Look!" shouted McCoy "Civilisation!" and with that he darted off in the direction of a passing bird. Spock tapped him on the shoulder.

"I believe you haven't studied the script properly. The civilisation isn't the cut out cardboard birds." McCoy stared at the ground

"Or the wire rabbits" McCoy looked into some murky water

"Or the fish made out of plastic bottles" (it was recycling day and they had a few spare pizza boxes, courtesy of the chief of the planet, water bottles and coat hangers, besides, at least it cut the budget rather than this modern day special affects)

"Well what_ is_ the civilisation then, know-it-all?" McCoy hissed

Spock replied in his tone which annoyed McCoy so much "That would be the strange aliens which, oddly enough, look like us, talk like us and behave very much like ourselves."

"Ah!" said McCoy as if light had just been shed on the universe "I thought those thingies were just a background race."

Spock coughed. McCoy remembered his lines "I can see aliens, phasers on stun!"

"Phasers on stun was my line!" muttered Kirk

"Oh!" said McCoy momentarily lost for words, then he pulled himself together. "I mean, it would be wise to set phasers on stun, Jim."

"Call me CAPTAIN!!!" Kirk boomed, when he noticed that they were on camera he managed to stutter… "Well, Scotty might have had a name change and…" Kirk stopped and looked deeply into his manager's eyes. His didn't have to look deep to see how much his manager didn't look impressed. Whose stupid idea was it to put Star trek on live TV anyway? Oh yeah, it was his.

Kirk then sat on a tactfully placed rock which was really a button indicate the attack of the bleutons (the strange human-like aliens which occupied this planet.) The whole cast apart from the ones already on stage charged in… eager and ready to fight to the death!

_**Ah**__**! By the way, they are wearing Starfleet regulation clothing with a sticker of a bear over the normal Starfleet symbol (did I tell you that the director was on a money crisis) Please comment, I will type up more quickly the more comments I get, what is going to happen next? Please post your ideas… I have already written part of this story down on paper, so I can't cheat in favouritism… but if you write some good comments I might change my mind! **_


	3. Attack of the belutons

_**What DO the bleutons look like??? We**__**'ll find out now! **_

Now, the whole cast consisted of fifteen people, so fifteen minus the seven on stage is eight, three of the remaining cast are women. The bleutons are a male-based society so the women couldn't fight. That makes five. They need to reserve two people for the palace guards. Now there are three. There needs to be a chief of the clan and he needs a bodyguard. We are left with one. Then there is our later-to-come-across hero. So therefore there wasn't actually anyone fighting the Enterprise heroes (sorry to anyone who hates maths out there and has to sit through me writing this). There was dramatic music and the remaining crew of the Enterprise were forced to fight thin air. Spock quickly started administering Vulcan neck pinches and death grabs to the 'bleutons' and McCoy started thrashing around with his fist wildly as if he was having a system overload (like data in star trek, the next generation).

Kirk shouted "Peace! We don't need to fight!"

But when he saw Sulu fly across the open air as if punched and suspend himself like a bridge over a crevice he hell to a conclusion.

"OK, we surrender! Take us to your boss!"

and with that they all put their hands up and marched down a hole in the ground. When it opened up all on its own accord Kirk supposed a bleuton must have opened it. _Strange, these bleutons were invisible._ He saw the palace with its ivory (yes, they have elephants) walls and marble decorations (yes! They are the other way round from normal) and had the most dreadful shock a person can have-

_**I KNOW this is really short, but there isn't a dramatic place where I can place an ending for ages**__**! PLEASE review… and guess what that shock is! Count it as a competition… with no prize, actually, maybe you can suggest things that I could put in later chapters, and they might be included!!! Because EVERYONE loves a good story! :D CHEESY GRIN!!!**_


	4. Flabby Bleuton Chief

_**YOU MIGHT WANT TO IGNORE MY RAMBILNGS, AND NOT READ EVERYTHING IN BOLD BLACK LETTERS, you read that though didn't you? Hah! Caught you out! You'll have to read all the bold black stuff now! Mwahahaha!**_

_**OK, I KNOW this is really late… yes, maybe I DID lose the whole story plan (all five pages of brilliant humour) BUT I can write that brilliance again… can't I? I KNOW I last updated this story about **__**a year ago… I went on holiday, and caught up with work, and… OK, MAYBE I SLOBBED AROUND FOR A BIT NOT WRITING FANFICTION STORIES SO I LOST THE STORY PLAN! THERE! I've said it! Well… *dun dun!* here is the continuation…**_

The bleuton guards weren't invisible, the bleuton advisers weren't invisible, and the bleuton chief wasn't invisible… OH NO! The bleutons had worked out some weird way of making themselves invisible! Kirk's little beady eyes sped around the smelly, damp room where the chief sat; his overwhelming beer belly slumped on top of a desk in front of him. The chief was wearing a belly dancing suit in 'XXX large size' and still he had to keep on extending his clothes so he could fit all his rapidly expanding flab in (It was all those cheese and anchovy pizzas he loved to scoff so much).

The chief glowered up at Kirk.

"Raise!" He shouted

Half a dozen beefy slaves scuttled up to him, lifted his chair up (with great pain and personal injury) and slotted another of the many 'legs' onto the bottom so the chief could be higher than Kirk.

The chief glowered down at Kirk, his piggy eyes darting around in confusion.

_Who was this man? Where had he come from? What were his intentions? How did he get here?__ Why was he here? When was the slave going to come with his lunch? _

As if Kirk was reading his mind Kirk gleefully shouted in the chief's face "I am James Tiberius Kirk, Captain of the U.S.S. Enterprise, this here is my second-in-command Mr. Spock, this here is the ship's doctor Leonard Mc-"

Kirk stopped and looked at the chief, he was staring at Spock in great awe, Spock was coldly staring him right back in the eyes as if challenging him, there was silence for a few seconds then the chief giggled in a childish manner as Spock coldly blinked his eyes with an uninterested look plastered on his face.

"Ha ha! I won! Ha ha! I beat a Vulcan at a staring contest!"

Spock blinked yet again then returned his custard-cold stare at the chief, it now slightly hinting at becoming a glare, but he knew that emotions were highly illogical and tried to iron it out. This didn't quite work.

"What are you glaring at, Spock, has your human half come out at last?" teased McCoy

Spock started to reply with a cold answer when…

_**I found the story plan; I FOUND THE STORY PLAN**__**! THIS IS GREAT! I don't have to spend ages making up random comments, I can actually continue with the story (and all its REALLY bad jokes) because I HAVE FOUND IT… OK, sheesh, no need to get all melodramatic, SneverusSnapers… HOW COME SneverusSnapers ISN'T IN THE DICTIONARY…? YOU BRAINLESS COMPUTER, YOU, YOU- oh, I suppose you want me to get on with the story (I just typed computer instead of story, I am sooooo stupid!), Ok, I will, I give in, but let me just add SneverusSnapers to my computers dictionary… there, done! Sooooo, Spock was interrupted by something… Oh! That isn't in the Story plan, oh well! I'll just say he was interrupted by me finding the story plan, now back on with the story…**_

"We come in peace!" Kirk shouted, still trying to sound superior, but that isn't that easy when you learn that (just by chance and amazing coincidence) the inhabitants of this land speak English.

"How come your phasers are set to kill then?" asked the chief's advisor snappily.

"Team discussion!" shouted Kirk, waving a 'Time-out' signal with his hands and ushered everyone to huddle in a circle. When they got there Kirk glowered at them all. "Why didn't you set your phasers to stun like I told you to?"

"YOU didn't tell us," explained Uhura, "McCoy did, and he doesn't hold a position over us."

"And Jim does?" asked Spock

"He's really scary!" shuddered Uhura "Do you see how he knocked down half of the redshirts with one evil glare?"

"Anyone can do that! It doesn't take much to kill a redshirt," exclaimed Sulu

_**WAIT A SECOND… THIS IS PUSHING IT! The word 'REDSHIRT' is not in the dictionary… how thick can this computer be, hasn't it heard of Star Trek… hasn't it noticed me slaving away writing Star Trek stories for HOURS… why don't these people who write these dictionaries understand some things… they have words from different languages, slang or as they call it 'informal' and this raises the ultimate question… WHY ISN'T 'REDSHIRT' IN THE DICTIONARY OF THIS CHUNK OF METAL? Sometimes I wonder… is this computer really worth it, maybe I would be better of with an old fashioned typewriter, at least I wouldn't get red squiggly lines under half the words I write and have 'autocorrect' moments when I – ON PURPOSE DON'T WRITE A CAPITAL LETTER AND IT DOES! Apparently 'leter' is in the dictionary – what is that? A deformed version of 'later', a 'letter' missing a 'T'. I might just go and write all this out by hand – it would be much quicker. Maybe I should write a formal complaint letter to the government requesting that 'redshirt' is added to computer dictionaries all around the world… ANYWAY, back to the story.**_

"What you're trying to say is that I'm the captain!" Kirk butted in.

"No, being captain doesn't matter, it's just that your heart is as stonily cold as, as, as… a machine!" Uhura noted.

"Oi!" Scotty shouted "Machines are lovely things- the captain however-"

"Ok, Ok, when – I mean IF we get out of this I am seriously contemplating… getting my ears tested!" Kirk stuttered.

The rest of the enterprise crew shook their heads. That was a REALLY bad comeback.

"Your time is up!" the chief glowered at them. Or rather at the camera. It MUST be lunch break soon. "You have a good reason for imposing on our territory?"

"Errrrrr… No, but you can't hurt us, we are federation property."

Then Kirk whispered into the chief's ear.

"Anyway, I have _injurylawyers4U_!"

_**DISCLAIMER; **__**I DO NOT OWN INJURYLAWYERS4U or anything like that; it just makes a nice addition to the story.**_

"Then I shall not hurt you, I will just turn you into slaves where you shall have to do my biding for EVER! First bring me my lunch!"

Kirk's mouth fell open, aghast and he then rummaged in his bag, he then took out an object…

_**Yeah, yeah. Usual stuff! What is the object? I DO know. PLEASE review and feel free to criticise… THOUGH I DON'T THINK YOUR HEALTH WILL BE GOOD IF YOU DO! Another few computer blips are listed below:**_

_**The statements below are not **__**'grammatically' correct**_

_**I am seriously contemplating...**_

"_**Raise!" He shouted **_

_**g**__**etting my ears tested! (as part of a phrase)**_

_**A deformed version of 'later', a 'letter' missing a 'T'.**_

_**The words below are not in the 'dictionary'**_

_**Oi**_

_**Errrrrr**_

_**Injurylawyers4U**_

_**SneverusSnapers**_

_**Redshirt**_

_**Bleuton**_

_**Chekhov**_

_**Mwahahaha!**_

_**I could go on! These computers really get on my nerves, BUT DO THEY GET ON YOURS?**_


End file.
